why
why do i still think about the small little things that happened to me that to anybody else would mean anything?
actually i do know. its the only time these things happened to me and nobody could ever relate to how it feels if you have never been loved. so every little touch, word or motion can mean so much to me and i will forever think about it even though it was something completely meaningless. i feel so fucking dumb and desperate. i am confident in myself most of the times but why why doesnt anybody ever see the things in me that i see in myself. have i just been lying to myself all the time? i dont get it it makes me go insane. how fucking pathethic am i. standing here on the balcony in my underwear still thinking about guys that actually have never liked me but just because they showed a little tiny interest i fell head over heals with them and am not able to forget anything because i have never been shown any signs of affection. because nobody loves me i fucking hate myself. yes honestly i think this is the main reason why i hate myself and i want to die. i always think im such a good person but when i dont see anybody approving of that i dont fucking get ir and starz hating myself what the fuck. i really dont know what is wrong with me. or anybody else. maybe i should just fucking die. i never wanted to die because i thought the most beaufituful thing in life, which is love, is still waiting for me. but everyday i realize more, or at least it seems like, love wont get to me. so what is the point anyways. i ask god: why cant nodbody love me? not even some sign of affection? what is wrong with me? i always thougght im not a bad person so why cant i deserve it? please fucking end this i have no strengh anymore
please
where are you
please save me
i love you

how
how does love exist. i connot believe in it anymore its the thing in the world that is the most unreal to me now. it used to be my all, my hope in life, my motivation but now i stopped believing in it and therefore i want to die. its the most unlogical thing now for me to imagine someone actually loving me, so unlogical that even if somebody would show interest in me i cloud never fucking trust or believe them. like i dont even know a person that has never been loved? what the fuck is wrong with me then? and how have i come this far? the only thing that kept me alive is dying right now and so am i. why is life so fuckingunfair i even start hatinggod sometimes. why. i dontdeserbe it? they say you have to make yourself happy but thats what i am fucking trying for years now and it doesnt fucking work so why the fucking hell dont i deserve love? i see couples and it fucking makes me want to kill myself. how is it possible, how did they do it. the most fucking unlocical and most unreliable thing in the world for me that i used to believe in for so long but now i feel like fuckinf death. life without love for me always made no sense and now that i see it just doesnt happen theres no sense for me anymore bye

i am fucked because i think i have an actual crush for the first time and i try so hard to deny it but i can not
this is the first time a person i liked showed interest back and it’s making go insane that i don’t know what exactly he wanted
i want to text him and meet him but i don’t want him to think i’m like a fangirl and that he looks down on me because he IS in my favorite band
i want him to think we’re on the same level because the first time in my life i actually think i deserve this person and that we could fit and i feel worthy for
i really just want to get to know him, like even as a friend would be perfect but i am so confused and really don’t know what to think
but what i know is that no matter how hard i try not to think about him/them i can not. he keeps appearing in my dreams and whenever i hear/see love i think of how things would be with that person
and i feel so ridiculous
but also
why not?